Behave in a Way That Keeps Relationships From Souring
Sweet words, letting go of ego and mutual respect keep relationships alive. Just as important is refusing to let yourself be the target of hurtful behaviour.
The most important things for saving a relationship from breaking are kindness in conversation, letting go of ego and respect for the other person. Harsh words and misunderstandings can shatter fragile relationships. Keep these key points in mind to cherish your relationships for a lifetime.
Watch your words
Never say hurtful things in anger that leave deep wounds in someone's heart. Avoid arrogance: the 'I am always right' mindset ruins relationships. Learn to apologise immediately when you are wrong. Instead of only putting your own point across, try to understand the other person's problem or point of view. Maintain respect for the other person. No matter how big the argument, never insult each other.
How to handle someone's behaviour
Sometimes when we say we need to find a way to handle someone's behaviour, what we really want to know is how to change them, so that they stop behaving in ways we don't like. For example, they get angry, and you want to know how to deal with their anger. What you mean is, 'How can I make them stop getting angry?' Right? Whether it is a spouse, a friend, a parent or a child (even an adult child), you are responsible for putting up with unbearable behaviour, not they. I don't mean that you are the cause of their behaviour; that is their own choice. I mean that you are allowing yourself to be on the receiving end of it. So they are not really the ones who need to change.
You need to bring about a change in yourself
Suppose, for example, that you have a teenager, spouse or friend who shows you through words or actions that they don't care what you say. You try to tell them that their behaviour hurts you, but their response only signals that they don't care. You tell them that you care about them and want a good relationship, but they either ignore you or argue with you. In the end you feel crushed. Perhaps you then wonder how you could deal with them differently. What you probably really want to know is: 'How do I control their actions so that I don't feel hurt and humiliated?'
Negative consequences are what drive us to change
In fact, it is negative consequences that push us towards change. We want to avoid uncomfortable feelings such as rejection, abandonment and fear. You may have tried to make the other person understand through kindness, by pleading for empathy, even through guilt or tears. But none of it changes their behaviour. When you suffer such negative consequences despite showing love, compassion and care, you begin to wonder what else you can do to avoid these feelings.
In the same way, it is negative consequences that can motivate the other person to change. Yet when your spouse, child or friend treats you with contempt and disrespect, you respond by showing them even more love, compassion and care. Their bad behaviour brings them a positive result: it gets them what they want, your love and kindness. Even if you get angry with them, they probably know that a nice apology and some closeness will follow. Their bad behaviour is rewarded. Why would they stop treating you this way when it gets them what they want? They don't see that, when they treat you like this, your reactions are a plea for affection, love and respect. They don't see it that way because your behaviour tells them these things don't really matter to you. In trying to convince them that you love them so that they will treat you better, you are showing them that you don't care how you are treated. You are giving them licence to shout, abuse, stamp their feet, throw things, shut you out, stop talking to you, order you around and treat your opinions as worthless.
On the one hand you tell them how you want to be treated, while on the other you allow yourself to be treated in exactly the way you don't want.
Will they change just because you ask them to treat you differently?
Some people will not change just because you ask. That is because, when they treat you this way, they get the love and kindness they want. They will change only when their behaviour brings negative consequences instead of positive ones. They won't change when you ask them to treat you differently; they will change when you stop tolerating the way they treat you. When I say this, I don't mean that you should stop them from behaving that way. As you know, you cannot force them to do anything. You have no control over their actions, as all your efforts to stop them from mistreating you have shown.
